okay.  why does no one bother to go on line anymore?  am i the only one posting things on?  am i...  a loner?

best band of all time - dancing desperates!  they play the nose flute.

i've gotten lazy.  i hardly go on my computer.  just mope around and complain about the weather and the lack of good shows on tv.  honestly, who the bloody hell cares that some bachelor picked the brunette bachelorette instead of the blond one?  who the hell cares who survives what island?  the best show would be if nobody survived, and i mean literally, nobody survived.  set some giant blood-thirsty, starving hyenas loose and tape that.  now that would be a show i would watch.

i don't think they ought to kill poor hussein.  just tie him up and force him to watch reality shows all day.  that should be punishment enough.  bush, on the other hand, ought to be hog-tied in front of a huge screen with his eyes pried open and forced to watch boyband music videos and american idol for the rest of his damn useless life.  or he ought to strapped down to a nuclear, pronounced NOOH-CLEAR-ER warhead.  mind that, nooh-clear-er, not nooh-cule-er.  damn idiotic fool.

my roommate jacks off watching audrey hepburn.  i'm pretty damn chauvinistic myself and still i would never ever dare to flog my log while watching the queen of elegance.  holy shit, man, there are just some things you don't do, and jacking off while watching roman holiday is one of them.  i think audrey deserves some r-e-s-p-e-c-t, find out what it means to me, r-e-s-p-e-c-t.  without that black girl attitude.

i got hit on by a group of giggling little twelve year olds yesterday.  i was ordering a coffee at the starbucks in westwood and four or five girls wearing super low pants or super high skirts and eskimo boots (skirts and boots?  hmm)  started asking me where i was from.  then they asked me if i hung out around westwood often.  one girl gave me her number and the others started to giggle manically.  heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee.  as such.  when i left, i was thinking, "hell yeah, who's hot?  mike's hot."  but then i thought about it some more, and i began to think, "that's so sad.  i'm looked at and admired by prepubescent babes (not babe as in hot damn, she's a babe, but babe as in, cute little newborn babe) but not by girls who aren't termed as jailbait.  oh lord.  i'm old.  i'm old and i have little giggling babies tugging at my jeans.  maybe i ought to join the backstreet boys.

gwyneth paltrow looks like slab of granite.  i think it's her face.  her jaw.  yeah.  a slab of granite.

WARNING

DO NOT EVER EAT PARIS'S COOKING.  CERTAIN EFFECTS MAY OCCUR - SEVERE RASHES, VOMITTING, DIAHRREA, TEMPORARY BLINDNESS, NAUSEA, AND AT TIMES, DEATH.

that thing you called a lasagna was really moving, paris.  either you didn't kill it before you served it or it came alive.  i like my meals dead and well cooked.  thanks for the effort.

it's okay.  it's not as bad as your brother's cauliflower pudding.  now that needed no warning.  those who ate it never lived to warn others of it.

hey, by the way, i don't know if paris killed achilles.  maybe.  go to google and find out.

hey em, dee said sorry.  i told him you weren't too upset but he seems more than a trifle worried.  i'd talk to him.  tisn't right to leave a poor lad hanging upside down from the tip of his nose to worry.  and don't brood too much.  i'm here.  i've got a car and a license.  i'll be driving you wherever you need to be driven to.  name the destination, love, and i'll be speeding at ninty.  i'll hop out of the car, snap my suspenders in place, dance about in a puddle, offer you a pint of ale, and recite an irish charm over your brew.  as gram would say, slainte, my friend.  cheers.

hot damn, look at me chillaxing, looking all sexy.  i can see you're getting hot and bothered.  haha.

truth is, i lost that hat.  i think stacey took it, but it might have been maddie.  either way, i left it in stacey's car and i never saw it again.  if anyone has seen it, please bring it back to me.  this is basically a lost ad.  escept it's a hat and not a dog.